Church Thoughts

And what are my thinks about church? I’m divided. There is teaching I find compelling at one, and people I hope could be community at another. Pastor Liam has been faithful and steadfast in standing with me through all this. He has been what mom and dad weren’t. Proactive in his desire to understand and be helpful.

Pastor Kippling has been a very massive and painful disappointment and I’m not sure I care to be the one doing all the initiating with someone I need to be strong for me. I don’t have the energy to stand around waiting for a shepherd to choose to shepherd me. I laid my case open, and he humiliated me a little bit and ever after has abandoned me.

Now there may be more hope for the young people, but if I don’t choose second church then how will relationships be forged? Trust gained? But then again how will I ever be in a place to place my trust if I’m always afraid of people? And the two people I can see myself trusting are also people who aren’t in the young adults’ groups. They’re moms.

My gut says first church. But I also find it hard to be around mom and dad like that. And I have no friends or close community there. But in a lot of ways that’s mostly my fault. I’m intimidating externally and terrified internally. But neither shall I shoot myself for that. I shall be curious and hopefully hack away at why that is so that someday I will be neither intimidating or terrified. It is how I’ve kept myself safe and alive over the past years so I cannot utterly condemn them. But they are not best or healthiest traits and I also need to be moving away from them into something more free and real.

So. The question still remains. And I’m still divided. It’s either first church and second church or just first church, because I don’t think I would thrive if second church were the only thing. I don’t know. I suppose I’ll talk to pastor Liam about it and see what he says. There will be a struggle either way.

But I can’t make decisions for my life for anyone but me. Opinions of others may matter, especially those of people I trust, but ultimately, I make the choice without thought of what other people will think. The only way I can stand securely is if my soul is at peace and satisfied. No matter who is for or against what I have to do. Even if I lose standing in people’s eyes. Even people I care about. I gain nothing by making choices just to please or not upset others. That is too complicated and stressful and probably why these past few weeks have been so debilitating. Too many people’s opinions of me to think through.

On another note. In my new life juggling church and friends, looking for new work, all of the drama with the pets, trying to make a move on illustrating and writing, how am I going to make time and space to keep doing this? Taking care of my heart? Journaling, writing, music, walks, painting, reading, just playing with my babies, being with other people, watching shows, working out, sleeping in, all of that?

How do I hold the two without feeling guilty when I take care of myself and not pushing myself so hard into everything else that I come to hate it all? I suppose there should be limits and boundaries for all kinds of work and play I engage in. I cannot be consumed completely by either side. But ultimately, I want both sides to be fulfilling and a joy. I want to explore and be excited and dream and dare. I want my hobbies to be restful and deeply meaningful to my soul. That there isn’t such a great divide between what I have to do and what I chose to do. Free time and committed time.

I want everything that used to get wreathed in stress to find a way to be free and excited and happy and ready for whatever may come. Not all this second-guessing and reevaluating and doubting myself and worrying about what other people will and are thinking. I want to be able to trust my gut. I want to be able to truly depend on God and make a move. I want to rest in the truth that he can and will take care of me no matter what happens. And care in every aspect of a full human life. In every need and pain and fear that I do not have to depend only on myself to get me through or work shit out.

And that I can’t ruin my story. That mistakes aren’t the end of any story. That every little moment is making me. That grace is ever only bigger and greater than we thought, not lesser or smaller. And that though the heart is deceitful, I’m not sure gut is the same as heart. And I do need to listen to my gut and listen closely to it’s warnings and leadings. Not ultimate maybe, but very valuable and trustworthy. I just need to learn to trust it. Anyway. Enough for now.

1.21.20

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