Ch.9 Small World

How Traumatic Events Make Real Life Seem Dumb

One of the biggest struggles I had while processing everything that happened to me was how small it made the rest of the world seem. Adding to the isolation I already felt, I couldn’t really find myself caring about much else anymore. In a way, it affected me when I joined the work force, but it was more apparent to me in my personal life. I just couldn’t deal with other people’s problems anymore. What I went through was this torturous ordeal that most people never experience, and since it happened, everything else seemed trivial.

I’d always had friends come to me for support and advice throughout my short life, and it was something that I was proud to give. But after my attack, the emotional earthquake I dealt with on a daily basis left little room for even considering anything else. The black hole I lived in gave me tunnel vision and it caused me to brush aside anything else that was going on in my life or the lives of loved ones. The result was that I became quite aloof and continued to alienate myself, adding to the isolation I already felt. I wanted to be part of the world again but I was preventing myself from doing so. I didn’t feel like I belonged there yet.

So what are you supposed to do? Acknowledging this conundrum is a start. Experiences like ours can result in a narrowing of the world that may not make sense to others. Like an obsession, it’s hard to focus on anything else for even a minute, so trying seems futile. That’s how I ended up going through so many years just pretending I was in real life without being in real life. But as long as you are working on yourself, getting to therapy and dealing with this head on, you won’t be pretending. There’s no better way to open your world back up again than going through the motions. Set goals for yourself, create a schedule and follow it, try to participate in normal activities as best you can. Soon, you will find that you’re not just going through the motions. You will actually care. You’ll want to hear about your friend’s break up or how much they hate that one dude at work. You’ll even commiserate about the shirt they ordered that ran way too small. The feeling of giving a shit about this nonsense is a true achievement, because there is only one other way to go: Resentment.

I didn’t know what the hell was wrong with me, which is why I want you to know what happens if you don’t put in the effort. Part of being strong is accepting that the outside world won’t change for you. You have to change the world you live in by accepting the one you don’t. You are surrounded by people who couldn’t fathom going through what you’ve gone through. And it’s easy to take on the “you have no idea what it’s like,” attitude and apply it to anyone who is treating you poorly or pissing you off. But that is just a defense mechanism that will further metastasize your detachment.

But, guess what? They don’t have any idea what you’ve been through. They have most likely never gone through something like it. But you can’t blame them for it. This can lead to resentment; the irrational anger you have at everyone else for not having suffered the way you have. I wasted so much time and energy feeling this way, and it was such an unhealthy expulsion of energy. Not only do these feelings perpetuate reclusive behavior, but the hostility is just a really heavy thing to carry around. You have enough to deal with, so the sooner you let go of the negative feelings for those who have nothing to do with the situation, the better.

Most people you meet won’t have gone through something similar to what you’ve been through, but instead of resenting them for it, find consolation in them. I wouldn’t wish what I went through on anyone I’ve ever met, so why would I begrudge them for it? Everyone has so much going on in their lives that only so much attention can be paid to everything, no matter how important it is to you. The significance of what has happened to you is not measured by the seeming insignificance of everything else that happens around you. I promise you that one day someone is going to get your order wrong, or you’re not going to be able to find a parking spot, or every line you’re in is going to move more slowly than all the others, and you are going to be on the brink of losing it. And when you get there just think back to this moment, when you would kill for that to be your biggest problem in life, and smile. Because then you’ll know you’ve made it.

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